lehunn (lehunn) wrote in oshlu,

Say Something

Say Something
warnings: implied self harm
Baekhyun once told Luhan to break up with Sehun.


Luhan grips the edge of the toilet, his fingers curling up against the cold surface. It takes him a few seconds before he pushes off his knees. They’re red from how hard he’s landed on them. It’s the third time they’ve hit the cold, hard, floor, missing the bath rug each time. Three bruises make the pale skin painted with sad purple and strikes of green. They fight against the clear white skin that feels soft against his fingers as his fingers wipe against his knees.

He grabs the pink make-up bag on the bathroom counter as his feet shuffle against the floor. Toes curl at the temperature, making his body shiver delicately. The back of his hair twitches as the shiver reaches to his neck. His fingers curl around the small glass bottle of the make up. Sniffles and a quiet cough leave him as he gently dabs the light make up along his face. The uneven redness slowly disappears with each pass of his finger. Even the deep purple bags under his eyes turn a pastel color.

Fingers run through his hair. It’s sticky underneath from sweat and the ends are frayed. He pats it down the best he can, adding a touch of water to make the pieces flatten down with the rest. The doorbell rings and Luhan jumps. His fingers curl against the counter before he makes his way out of the bathroom.

Luhan pulls his shirt up, tugging it down in the back so his collarbones aren’t as noticeable. His hands shake and he can still feel the bile in his stomach. He should have brushed his teeth but it would just make him gag and throw up again. The floor is even colder against his feet as he walks to the front door. His fingers feel as if they’re made of ice and it slowly creeps up to his chest. He finds it hard to breath and his feet stop. His heart freezes and tears threaten to spill from the corner of his eyes. But Luhan finds warmth again when he hears his name being called.

Feet push him to the door. Hands quickly unlock the several locks and even the cold of winter doesn’t affect him anymore. His eyes blink quickly, adjusting to the cold wind that dries them out. Luhan looks at Sehun standing in the doorway with his lips parted. He looks warm, torso covered with a puffy jacket and chin buried against a thick scarf. His brown hair peeks out along his forehead from his hat. Luhan forgets that he’s wearing shorts and a short-sleeved shirt as warm arms wrap around him.

“You’re freezing,” Sehun whispers against his ear. The breath feels like fire to him, warm and frightening. He lets Sehun hold him tightly, letting the comfiness overcome him.

Sehun shuts the door with his foot, watching as it closes behind them. He pulls away only to lock the locks, for Luhan would remember about them and panic. Sehun sighs as Luhan shifts in his arms. Luhan knows that his ribs can be felt through his shirt.

Luhan lays on the couch, his body wrapped up in his warm blanket from the bed. It’s the one Sehun bought for him years ago. Luhan remembers how happy he was when he first curled up into the white blanket. Sehun smiled as Luhan opened his arms out, yelling at him to come snuggle with him.

Luhan presses his cheek against the blanket, watching as Sehun puts away the groceries that he’s brought with him. Sehun stretches his arms up, setting the bags in the trash as he finishes. He looks over at Luhan with a smile.

“You have to eat more, alright? We don’t want this food to go to waste.” Sehun smiles as he walks over with a cup of tea and a pack of crackers in his other hand.

“I am.”

“Not enough.”

Sehun voice gets a bit firmer as he sits next to Luhan. His arm wraps around the other’s body, his lips holding back a frown. Luhan curls into Sehun’s embrace. It’s not as soft without the jacket and even with the blanket around him he can feel the muscles that press against the other’s skin.

Luhan reaches down and grabs a cracker out of the pack. He sniffs it lightly. It smells of nothing and it tastes of nothing. It slowly disappears in his mouth, his throat reluctant to let it down. Once it’s gone, he tilts his head and smiles at Sehun.

“I always want to eat when you’re here.”

It’s not always true and Luhan’s sure that Sehun already knows. Luhan never wants to eat. Even when he’s hungry he just feels sick and loses his appetite. But he’s already disappointed Sehun too much. Even deep in his own sadness, he wants Sehun to be happy.

He doesn’t particularly know how to make Sehun happy. Sehun smiles all the time when he’s with Luhan. Even when Luhan’s hands grip the toilet and his cheeks are pale and eyes filled with tears, he still smiles and tells Luhan that it’s going to be okay. He smiles when Luhan doesn’t eat what he works for a good hour on making. He smiles when Luhan pushes him away and hits him with small fists. Luhan doesn’t know why Sehun smiles. He isn’t a reason to smile.

“I brought over your favorite,” Sehun says, rubbing Luhan’s back lightly with his fingertips. “strawberry cake.”

“The one with the strawberries on top?”

“The one with the strawberries on top.”

Luhan smiles softly because he knows it’s been almost a year since he’s had that cake. Sehun and him once made it together. Luhan knows it’s been a long time since then. He smiles and bites at his bottom lip, laughing softly to himself as he recalls the way Sehun looked with flour all over him.

Sehun holds two plates in his hands carefully. The strawberries stick up high above the cake and before Sehun sits down, Luhan can smell how fresh they are. His stomach grumbles and Sehun laughs at the noises it makes.

They eat together in silence. Luhan leans back in Sehun’s arms and smiles as he gets fed a strawberry. Sehun leans down and kisses him softly. When he pulls away, Sehun furrows his brows some and rubs Luhan’s side. Luhan reminds himself to brush his teeth the next time even though Sehun will know anyways.

He has the urge to go into the bathroom. His stomach feels full and tight and he feels as if it’s going to explode. Luhan curls his fingers up against Sehun’s shirt. He fights off the feeling to add another bruise to his knees.

“You’re so handsome, Luhan.”

Luhan leans his head back and to the side, letting his eyes flutter closed. Sehun’s hand pushes its way through Luhan’s brown hair. He knows it feels lifeless. Most of it is dead and the cuts he’s done himself are uneven. But Sehun doesn’t mind. He continues to run his hand through his hair like it’s the softest silk.

Sehun’s hips press against his. They feel soft and Luhan leans down to runs his fingers over them. They look perfect compared to Luhan’s hips. His own are too bony, too dry and there’s a bruise on the right one that Sehun’s kissed four times.

There are only one or two times that Luhan can see Sehun’s ribs. When Sehun leans down, tilting his body to kiss at Luhan’s neck he can see a faint outline of them. Second, he can see them when Sehun takes a sharp breath, trying to catch his breath, hips bumping against Luhan’s.

Luhan pants and whimpers, fingers clawing at Sehun’s arms. His eyes squeeze shut because Sehun’s hit the right place. Luhan’s mouth opens to tell him but Sehun already understands. He holds the smaller one’s hips still as he bends forward, snapping his hips as fast as he can.

Luhan’s eyes open and he’s gasping out a sob as he comes. His body trembles and thick stripes of white blend in with his stomach. Because of the angle his hips are at, some even lands on his collarbones. Sehun comes shortly after, moaning and leaning his head back. Luhan sucks in a breath, gasping out at how warm he feels. His whole body feels warm. Not just the outside skin, but from the inside out.

His arms wrap around Sehun’s shoulders, pulling him close. Tears fall from the corner of his eyes and his body shakes against Sehun’s. He wishes Sehun could keep him this warm for the rest of his life. He feels alive, he feels like he can breath and he feels safe. Luhan wishes Sehun could stay forever.

“Don’t cry, Lu. Everything’s okay.”

Sehun’s still slightly hard inside of him. Luhan knows that he wants to go for another round, maybe even one more after that. He feels bad, like he’s causing another problem. But he wants to feel selfish for once. He wants to cling to Sehun with his arms and hands, not just his mind.

When spring comes, Sehun takes Luhan out for walks every day. He comes home smelling like baked goods and sweetness. He always brings home a different type of food for him and Luhan to eat. Spring is when the best bread is, at least Luhan thinks so, even if he doesn’t taste it for long. He holds it in until Sehun begins the cleaning.

The walks happen right after dinner. Sehun’s carefully picked the time where Luhan can’t run away to the bathroom. It doesn’t prevent him completely but Luhan knows that Sehun is happy with one less trip to the bathroom. It’s the time where the sun begins to set and reds and orange fill the sky.

They hold each other’s hands as they walk down the path. Luhan occasional kicks a pebble to the side, watching it roll away until it stops. Sehun occasionally finds it in front of him and will kick it. The Luhan will jog after it and kick it. They go back and forth until Luhan coughs and he’s out of breath. Sehun returns his hand to Luhan’s and they go back in silence.

Luhan’s hand fits better in Sehun’s. His bones don’t poke out as much as they used to and his skin is softer. Luhan isn’t really sure how he’s gotten to look less frail. He sometimes thinks that it’s Sehun. That even his presence makes his body want to get better, even if his mind isn’t ready for that yet.

Baekhyun once told Luhan to leave Sehun.

“He’s no good for you, Luhan. Really. I know you see him as this amazing guy but that’s not who he is.”

Luhan bites his lip and swings his feet, letting his toes brush against the floor.

“He goes out to drink and parties all the time. Who knows if he’s even been loyal to you. Are you really okay with that?”

Luhan can see Baekhyun’s frustration. He can see the way his eyes care for Luhan. But Luhan has always been stubborn.

The bruises on Luhan’s knees aren’t nearly as bad as they used to be. Luhan smiles when he sees only tiny splotches of purple and green. It’s a huge change from the black and blue covered skin that he’s used to. Luhan smiles and laughs to himself, swinging his legs up and down with happiness. His knees only meet the floor once every day.

Sehun quits his job. Luhan isn’t sure why he has a job in the first place. His parents are proud CEO’s of their own company. They have three houses and more cars than Luhan can remember. Sehun has designer clothes filling two closets and a dresser, not including the ones he’s given to Luhan and never asked for back.

He moves in with Luhan at the start of summer. Sehun brings over so many boxes that Luhan can’t see over them as he walks through his house. It takes over a month for everything to be put into place.

They have sex the first night together. Luhan bounces on Sehun’s lap, his hair floating down with each bounce. The tips are no longer dry and his face is illuminated with a darker shade of brown. More moans and noises come from his lips. He wants to make Sehun feel good. He wants Sehun to know that what he’s doing is making Luhan feel good.

“I love you.”

Luhan’s voice is quiet, he’s not used to speaking much. His hand runs up and down Sehun’s chest, watching the way each breath makes it rise and fall. His fingertips run over his heart, feeling the way it beats gently against his skin. Sehun is the only one that Luhan thinks has a pretty heartbeat.

Sehun’s arm presses against the curve of Luhan’s back. His lips curl up into a smile at his words. “I love you too, Luhan. So much.” He cups Luhan’s cheek gently, his thumb brushing against his cheekbone. “And I’m so proud of you. I can’t believe how much better you’ve gotten.”

Tears roll down Luhan’s cheeks. One collapses against Sehun’s finger, spreading out along with the creases in his skin.

Baekhyun once told him to leave Sehun.

He told him when he found Luhan curled up in the shower. He told him when he found Luhan passed out with red water around his arm.

Baekhyun once told Luhan to leave Sehun. But Sehun left first.

Luhan doesn’t think about when Sehun left. He doesn’t like it when Baekhyun brings it up when Sehun walks to the kitchen to get more tea. Because Sehun’s changed and Luhan’s sure of it. Luhan doesn’t like when Baekhyun reminds him that Sehun was the one to make those bruises on his knees appear. He doesn’t like when Baekhyun reminds him of all the things Sehun said to him.

“You’re ugly. You’re fat. You’re too much of a cry baby. You look like a girl. You’re too clingy. You’re too childish.”

He breaks into tears and covers his ears. His eyes shut and he screams for Sehun. The other drops the tea cup and rushes over to him. Sehun wraps his arms around Luhan’s body, holding him close and rubbing his back.

“What did you say to him?” Sehun scrunches his nose up and pulls Luhan away from Baekhyun.

“The truth? You hurt him, you know. How can you just sit there and act like nothing happened?” Baekhyun sucks in a breath, gripping the couch as he glares at Sehun.

“Get out. Right now. Get the fuck out.”

Luhan presses his hands against his ears, trying to push away everything and anything that threatens him. His body shakes slowly against Sehun’s. The other’s arms grip around him tightly.

Baekhyun stands up, grabbing his coat from the couch and pulls it on. He glares at Sehun as he walks towards the door. He stops once he’s halfway out and meets eyes with Luhan.

“Don’t let him fool you.” Baekhyun shuts the door and only the sounds of Luhan’s breathing can be heard.

Sehun sets Luhan down gently against the couch. He stands up and makes his way over to the door. “I’ll be right back, okay?”

Luhan nods and curls up against himself as he watches Sehun open the door, shutting it behind him and disappearing into the silence.

The next time Luhan see’s Sehun is when Chanyeol invites him out to go shopping for Baekhyun. He doesn’t realize it’s Sehun at first. He’s pressed against a wall, bandaid on his cheek and hair parted in the middle, brightly colored blond. Chanyeol stops Luhan, his hand gripping onto his arm. Sehun looks at them, pushing himself off of the wall.

“Luhan..Luhan, I’m..”

Chanyeol wraps his arm around Luhan and holds him against his chest. Luhan convinces himself he’s only crying because he’s scared to see Baekhyun in the bright lights of the hospital.

Luhan lays on Sehun’s blanket. His cheek rubs against it, letting the skin get red. Even with the soft surface, his skin has become sensitive again and everything effects it.

Sehun’s phone rings, the vibrations loud against the nightstand. Sehun hasn’t come back for anything. Luhan grabs the phone off the nightstand, holding it in his hand as it continues to vibrate. The ID reads Jongin. Luhan’s chest feels cold and it slowly makes it’s way through his body.

Luhan reads through Sehun’s messages. He reads each and every one of them slowly. He knows it’s bad to do. Despite everything that Sehun’s done, he still trusts him completely. Luhan doesn’t know why but it somehow just feels right to him. He doesn’t find anything worthwhile. He only finds texts asking if he’s coming to work or if he’d like to go shopping. Luhan frowns and sets the phone down.

As soon as it hits the wood surface, it vibrates again. Luhan leans over and looks at the screen. Jongin tells Sehun to not go back to Luhan. He tells him that whatever he does, he can’t talk to him or even spend time with him. He says because Luhan can’t handle him leaving again.

Luhan breaks down in a matter of seconds. He breaks down because he knows it’s true. Luhan cries for hours. He cries until the sun rises and sets again. He cries until no sounds come out and no tears stream down his cheeks. He lays in bed until he can’t feel his arms and legs anymore.

Baekhyun once told him to break up with Sehun. He told him when he saw Sehun walk in drunk, cheeks covered in lipstick and body smelling of girlish perfume. He told him when he carried Luhan out, body wet and arm still bleeding. He told him when Sehun only stared at them and asked if Luhan was okay.

Luhan only wakes enough to see Sehun looking concerned at him, his hand reaching out to try and touch his. He only see’s how sad Sehun’s eyes look. He doesn’t see his shirt half unbuttoned and pants hanging low on his hips.

Baekhyun pleads and cries to Luhan to break up with Sehun. But Luhan doesn’t see the bad in him. He only sees the bad in himself. If it wasn’t for him, Sehun wouldn’t have said those things. He wouldn’t have left. He wouldn’t have a reason to do anything wrong.

Baekhyun once told him to break up with Sehun. He told him that Sehun cheated on him. Sehun did drugs and drank so much he wouldn’t even remember his name sometimes. But he wouldn’t break up with Sehun. Sehun wasn’t the problem.

So Luhan tells Baekhyun that he’s going to leave. He hangs up the phone and sets it on the counter.

Sehun once asked Baekhyun to help him. He once asked Baekhyun to call an ambulance. He once asked Baekhyun to help him save Luhan.

Tags: fandom; exo, genre; romance, length; oneshot, pairing; hunhan, rating; nc17
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